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All Deviations
All Deviations


I wander around the city. Newspapers blowing around. Smashed beer bottles. The stench of death fills my nostrils.

My feet carry me to an old, ivy coated cathederal. I approach the doors and they open automatically, hinges creaking. I hear the organ playing the saddest music I have ever heard. I look around the cathederal, nobody is there. A shiver slowly creeps down my spine.

Suddenly an ear shattering noise fills the whole cathederal. I look to the source of the sound, the midnight bell rings. It is a truly magnificent bell. Twice the size of a full grown man. Then the souls of the dead wander around, doing ordinary things. There is no emotion on their faces. They have slits for eyes and gaping holes for mouths, but their bodies are human. Their skin is grey, like the city. The souls sit in the pews of the cathederal, listening to a deathly silent sermon, the minister opening and closing his mouth, not a sound coming out.

I walk out of the cathederal, the eerie music still playing. The souls wander around the streets of the city. Most of them wear stone grey suits, others wear grey jeans and shirts. I see a couple pushing a pram with a baby in it. I look around and nearly bump into an old lady, but she just hobbles right through me. I walk up to a man waiting at a bus stop and try to touch him, my hand goes right through him.

The figures walk right through doors and drive transparent vehicles. I think to myself, "What happened to this place?" It is the most miserable place I have ever been to in my life. I find an old newspaper lying crumpled in a bin. I pick it up, hoping to find any information about the city. I discover that the city got wiped out by a plague 100 years ago. The paper is dated 18 March 1928. Somebody, or something in the city keeps a record of everything, even 100 years after the city was destroyed.

I turn back to the city and the people start to fade into the air. A black shape starts to float out of the ground. It is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen. It turns to face me. It's eyes are a brilliant white. It opens it's mouth and a series of silver tentacles float towards me, two grab my ankles, another two wrap around my wrists and one goes straight into my mouth. I am lifted into the air by this - this creature. More tentacles appear, waving around. I am wrapped in a cocoon-like shell. I see nothing, but I am scared as hell. I realise, in my last thoughts, that it wasn't a plague that killed the city. It was the spirit of darkness.

The tentacles tighten, I slowly close my eyes and see a light even whiter than the spirit's eyes.

The End.
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Submitted: April 24
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Author's Comments

A mans journey to the saddest place on earth.
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~sivrel:iconsivrel: Apr 24, 2008, 9:02:02 AM
The beggining had quite a bit of potential but it seemed a bit rushed. The spirit of darkness came too suddenly for it to be scary. You want to keep us guessing a bit more before the spirit comes around. Still, you seem to have good ideas, you just need better execution.
=phreakhawk-14:iconphreakhawk-14: Apr 24, 2008, 5:53:05 PM
Thanks for the advice.

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:fart::faint:
:heart:
~sivrel:iconsivrel: Apr 24, 2008, 6:53:37 PM
Your welcome, I've been working on a horror story of my own, that and I've been turning into a big time horror geek lately, still you might want to give it a rewrite if not highly editing it to make it into something truly tragic and horrifying. Like for example when you say plague, maybe later on or shortly before that throw in some evidence that goes against that assumption. Great horror is largely about suspense so subtlety and only a small amount of detail at a time is a good idea. Pretty much before the climax each revelation should raise more questions than they actually answear.
=phreakhawk-14:iconphreakhawk-14: Apr 24, 2008, 8:35:31 PM
Ok. Thanks. I might look at other people's work to get some ideas.

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:fart::faint:
:heart:
~sivrel:iconsivrel: Apr 24, 2008, 8:39:59 PM
I have a tendency to look at other deviants work as well. THough most literature that actually seems to catch my interest is horror, which may explain why the majority of my watchers are horror writers or people who are horror fans, even though I'm prinarily a fantasy writer.
=phreakhawk-14:iconphreakhawk-14: Apr 24, 2008, 9:04:31 PM
Have you read 666 by =werechu? That's a good horror story.

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:fart::faint:
:heart:
~sivrel:iconsivrel: Apr 24, 2008, 10:08:03 PM
No I haven't, and I couldn't find it in his gallery.
~sivrel:iconsivrel: Apr 25, 2008, 8:55:26 AM
Thanks, it is a great story.